Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
