did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
time to smoke my breakfast
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
