I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
