Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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