i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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