just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
