They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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