I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
