This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
