Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
