I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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