the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
