What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
40s are totally the cure
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
