I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
