when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
