i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
