apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize