none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
