I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
