I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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