Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
