If you're really into hairy Serbian chicks, Cleveland has a lot to offer(216): We're going to cougar night, the serbian chicks are the best aged.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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