i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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