Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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