I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
