You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
