Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
