I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
