Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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