I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
