Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
