Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
