Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
