I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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