and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
