how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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