Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
