Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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