I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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