drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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