I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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