woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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