nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
