where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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