I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
