I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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