"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
