Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
