Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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