just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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