so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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