Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
