Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
