i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
