All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
