Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
