My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
